I’m still used at those conf organizers who treat me very diffeeenrky all of a sudden and I don’t know why and they won’t tell meI’m fucking annoyed about having to go to the pain clinic tomorrow, at this point they’re even more useless to me than they’ve been fid a long fine, only this… Continue reading May 23, 2025, 0:17

I’m lying down. My heart is racing; this often happens when I’ve overexerted myself. It beats so fast it makes it hard to fall asleep (no matter how much fucking meditation I try).I got a request today to accommodate someone’s schedule changing (they canceled our time for today, which we’d set for weeks, at under… Continue reading May 21, 2025, 23:51

I don’t want to sleep. Instead, I’ve been browsing the web (I feel so 80s saying it like that) and buying more or less useless shit. I get eyebrow pencils from this store I really dislike, I always order several so that I only order there every 1.5 years or so. I wonder if it’s… Continue reading May 20, 2025, 01:46

Today was Sunday (technically yesterday). I was running a fever again. Spent half the day sleeping, the rest mostly eating the rhubarb crumble leftovers. I’ve been struggling with taking my meds every day. I don’t feel like any of them make any difference whatsoever. Well, that’s on the positive side; what they have for sure… Continue reading May 19, 2025, 0:03

13:37 minutes until the rhubarb cobbler is ready. I spent another hour or so trying to draft a message to send to the people who used to be my closest friends and who I need to tell somehow what’s been happening to me. I’ve been working on seven versions of it for four weeks, since… Continue reading May 17, 2025, 20:35

Yesterday from 1pm throughout all of today was supposed to be my free time. I was hoping I’d be able to paint a little, I have ideas for my current paintings and at least two new ones. Instead, I had to spend the entire time lying down. Multitasking has evaporated from my life. At this… Continue reading May 16, 0:33am

Yesterday from 1pm throughout all of today was supposed to be my free time. I was hoping I’d be able to paint a little, I have ideas for my current paintings and at least two new ones. Instead, I had to spend the entire time lying down. Multitasking has evaporated from my life. At this… Continue reading May 16, 2025, 0:33

There are days when I still feel like an imposter, like I’m making all of this up. It’s 8pm and I’m so exhausted, I feel like I’ve been poured on the ground. My heart rate is at 98 beats per minute; I’m resting. 15 minutes ago, I got up to get water; I almost fainted,… Continue reading May 13, 2025, 19:32

The ringing in my ears doesn’t stop. (Except when I stop taking the only medication that seems to help a bit against the constant bone-deep exhaustion.) These days, I can measure my exhaustion levels by how dry my mouth gets; I’ve never in my life been as thirsty as I get now after walking up… Continue reading May 12, 2025, 22:45

Aaaaaaaaaah. I’ve been unable to sleep for over 2 hours. An annoying detail that’s too big is that because my body’s temperature regulation is so messed up, I can’t share the bed with my partner anymore, or at least shouldn’t if I want to sleep at all. I run insanely hot, yet feel cold all… Continue reading May 11, 2025, 23:47