ME/CFS, LIVE

Met a friend today who I hadn’t seen yet this year. I told her that I’ve been out of my 2-month-crash for a good two weeks. That I’m enjoying any day I get, but that it’s also really stressful to handle the uncertainty around it, not knowing if today could be the last “good” one… Continue reading 2026-03-29 15:31 “I’m glad you’re feeling better”

I’ve been getting worse, and the scariest part is that I have no idea why. In the last days, I’ve even been thinking about going to the doctor because it’s so scary and I feel so alone with it. The doctor would be my GP, that’s the only practice that would even be a possibility.… Continue reading 2026-03-03 21:44 Addendum

I’ve been really sick. It’s now been almost two months since my current crash started. I have “flu-like symptoms”: The cold, swollen and painful lymph nodes, ear and throat pain, muscle aches, shooting joint pain; except that it’s not the flu and, most of all, it doesn’t get better. Rather, in the last week, it’s… Continue reading 2026-03-03 21:13: The Days have become one

I saw a doctor again last week, the same one who first gave me the (very preliminary, very “I would first like to hear from your psychotherapist that they don’t think this is psychological before I make it official”) cautious diagnosis in February. He runs a private practice that I don’t really have the funds… Continue reading December 16, 2025: Untitled

Saw the sleep specialist again yesterday. He scolded me for using sleep meds in the last two weeks, and was very unhappy I’d misspelled his name in an email (autocorrect, but who cares). He also adjusted the projected timeline for finding a workable approach for the RLS to “end of year.” I cried. He prescribed… Continue reading August 2, 2025, 22:47: New meds, again

I lost two blisters of my muscle relaxer. It’s the only one that’s ever worked for me and it helps me sleep. I don’t know how it happened, but I’m sure if I make a 360° turn right now and point to a random spot in my apartment, I will inevitably point at one of… Continue reading July 31, 2025, 01:30: Drug seeking

These days, I find myself leaving a lot of posts in draft mode. I didn’t use to editorialize this site a lot, most of it was just writing and hitting the publish button and never looking back. (Cue Modsen Family’s Luke Dunphy’s “sometimes I like to toss a grenade and run away.”) I can’t do… Continue reading July 29, 2025, 23:07: Editorializing

My muscles hurt so badly i could scream; I don’t. I want to tear out my legs. Today was a shit day. I already felt so frustrated and helpless last night, I couldn’t snap out of it today. The lack of any kind of perspective, let alone hope, is really getting to me at the… Continue reading July 26, 2025, 23:52: I could scream but I don’t

I’m frustrated, annoyed, exhausted. After spending the last three and a half days bedridden, barely awake, not leaving the house, I met a friend for coffee this morning. Before we met, I worked for 45 minutes; I’ve barely done any work in the last… two years, I guess, but out of those, the last three… Continue reading July 25, 2025, 22:46: Reap what you… fuck that shit

My ability to entirely and intensely delude myself is staggering. In the end, it took me a good two weeks to fully realize that my significantly worsened physical state had been caused by the oxycodone. Already on the first day I didn’t take it anymore, I felt a lot better. What happened, you ask? —… Continue reading July 24, 23:31: My ability to delude myself