Two days ago, the low-dose naltrexone side effects got so bad that I ended up throwing up in my mouth several times per hour, even more when I’d drank or eaten something within the last 6-8 hours. I would swallow it all back down and rinse out my mouth. That was also when I really didn’t know how much longer I could keep doing this.
For the last two days, I’ve been sleeping 16 hours a day.
When I fall asleep, I feel like I’m drowning, I wake up multiple times, gasping for air.
When I sleep, I have nightmares, one where I’m in prison, another where I’m in Thailand and struggle to fall asleep because it rains too much, so I build myself a bed on the floor with some cushions; one where I’m forced to do “group” therapy with a young woman, we see a young therapist together and I have to keep seeing her until October at least, and when I visit my old friend S. who owns a red couch, it turns out the therapist is his roommate now: one where a thriller is on the tv and the violence won’t shut off; in another, I’m traveling home from a trip to a highly secured country and bring three large bags on my hand luggage and other travelers are jealous of my direct flight (I don’t know what that’s all about); in another, I try so hard to open my eyes but can’t see, and walk through my apartment eyes closed; the others I forget quickly.
When I’m awake and move my eyes even a little bit, I get vertigo, combined with a swooshing sound in my ears, the one you might expect in an ad for expensive speakers with a strong base. I know this, it’s one of the symptoms of duloxetine withdrawal. I went cold turkey three nights ago because I was losing my mind over the RLS-related muscle pain and insomnia.
It’s not my first time, I have done unplanned duloxetine withdrawal sans the recommended tapering four times already, the previous three because of serotonin syndrome. At the same time, I stopped the low-dose naltrexone, amitriptyline and antihistamines, as well as the vyvanse, I wanted to remove anything that may contribute to the RLS (and the LDN because the gas in my stomach has become unmanageable); and I started on low-dose aripiprazole (abilify), after checking that yes, it’s a dopamine agonist which are supposed to at least not make the RLS worse.
Unfortunately, it was only today that I realized that the symptoms messing me up so badly now are withdrawal symptoms, and that this amount of cold turkey withdrawal was probably a really bad idea. I’m also in too deep by now, there’s no way back.
I would really like for things to stop spinning. At least the constant stomach pain and bloating have subsided a little bit, at least I only have to burp now instead of also throwing up in my mouth.
I tried to do a few non-sleep things today (get groceries! Paint!) Knit!), but my muscles hurt so much that I can’t.
I watch the Jack Ryan show. I fast-forward every couple of scenes, but it’s a good show in that there’s a lot of it available.
It’s 30°C outside today. I try not to think too much about sunshine, the lake, getting ice cream, days in the park or on the bike or with friends, or about how alone and a burden I feel with all this or about how much I hate that this is my life now.