I’ve been really sick. It’s now been almost two months since my current crash started. I have “flu-like symptoms”: The cold, swollen and painful lymph nodes, ear and throat pain, muscle aches, shooting joint pain; except that it’s not the flu and, most of all, it doesn’t get better. Rather, in the last week, it’s gotten worse. The last nights, I slept 12-15 hours (with breaks) and couldn’t leave the house during the day.
The days have melted together. During the day, when I’m not trying to sleep, sleeping, or lying on the couch with my eyes closed, I watch tv or scroll Reddit. I’m bored out of my fucking mind, but I’m also so tired and mentally exhausted that it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to when my symptoms were less severe. I really enjoyed when the Winter Olympics were on tv here; I love watching winter sports and the different disciplines were a nice change of my daily schedule.
I’m always so tired that even though I spend most of my day lying down, I still get even more tired and look forward to sleeping. I don’t sleep well, I wake up as tired as I was all day, but at least I’m not fully conscious for some time.
I started taking the supplements again: Vitamin B, C, D3, K2, Creatine, ALA, Omega 3, folic acid, CoeQ10, two types of antihistamines, three types of digestive enzymes, blood thinners, antidepressants, and I’m sure there’s stuff I’m forgetting.
I hate the supplements.
They get stuck in my throat when I try to swallow them. For the five-ish hours after, they give me the most disgusting aftertaste. Some of them give me a headache. And I don’t have the impression that any of them do anything, really.
My stomach issues have been really bad for almost two weeks now. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it. Which means that food isn’t fun and even drinking water or tea leads to hours of pain. It sucks.
I’m down to zero to four hours of work per week; I’m obviously not making enough to make ends meet, by a mile. I have big work commitments in the next months that I have no idea how I’ll get them done in my current state, and have no way to know I’ll improve. At the moment, my strategy is not to think about it and, when I do, pray that I’ll be able to wing it.
I’m at a really low point. I have no idea where to go from here. This isn’t a life worth living, it’s not even a life. Not even accounting for the fact that my funds wouldn’t last this long: I can’t see myself continuing for the next 30-40 years as a giant rent-paying. tv watching potato.
I’m getting my lab results in two weeks. The invoices arrived yesterday. € 1,439,17. That’s just a bit more than I already pay in regular public health insurance contributions every month. The doctor’s consultation was billed as a “homeopathic assessment.” I almost laughed.