I’d read this book about Buddhist teachings applied to chronic illness, I learned a lot from ot, and for a few weeks, I really thought I had it, that I’d moved more towards acceptance and loving gentleness towards myself.
Idiot.
For the last few days, I’ve been back to aggression, frustration, hopelessness. One part of it, I suppose, is that the new and promising meds are, surprise!, not working as well as I’d secretly hoped (I try not to hope out loud anymore), and the side effects were hard to adjust to (air in your stomach at all times, and burping, also at all times, with anything you’ve just eaten or drink coming back up again, anyone? Any takers?; oh and the tremor that makes my hand shake so hard I have troubles using my smartphone, a laptop, or, you know, doing any of the other hundreds of things I typically use my hands for.
I had to repcqte to a mattress on the floor. I’m so cold and so hot at the same time. My entire body hurts so much, my muscles are so tight I’m sure they’ll snap any minute.
I am also irrationally angry at any fucking self care BS. I normally use two apps every day to help manage my disability, one for tracking symptoms anf meds, and the other for building habits. Whenever one of them sends a notification, i want to throw my phone straight out the window.