I’m lying down. My heart is racing; this often happens when I’ve overexerted myself. It beats so fast it makes it hard to fall asleep (no matter how much fucking meditation I try).
I got a request today to accommodate someone’s schedule changing (they canceled our time for today, which we’d set for weeks, at under two hours notice). At first I tried to find space for a new appointment, and already couldn’t really, any of the three I picked would’ve been poorly squeezed in and meant significant added stress for me. When I reviewed what I’d selected, that’s what I realized. So instead of stretching myself even thinner, I messaged them back and told them that I can’t do it, for now, and that I’ll let them know if something opens up. (They’re not getting charged for this time today. I do usually have a policy for this stuff, but need to talk to them about it.)
I hate talking about bad experiences with the “at least xyz good thing came out of it.” It’s still good to consider occasionally. In this instance, I’ve learned an awful lot about fun topics like boundary setting!, expectation management!, self-awareness!, acceptance of my limitations! (or, you know, at least awareness thereof), what’s really important!, listening to my body!, oh and the fun realization that apparently, hard thinking now stresses my body to a degree that my watch alerts me of heart rate spikes.
It’s now 01:01am and I’m still not sleeping. (Obviously.) I spent the last hour or so researching doctors (again). A few minutes ago, I took a lorazepam and pulled my weighted blanket into my bed.
At this point I spend an awful amount of energy just on willing myself into staying alive.
01:11am. I made the ninth attempt tonight to go to sleep. It doesn’t work, again, and at least this time I realize why: My muscles are burning so much and are so sore that anything that touches them, even something nice like, say, my favorite duvet that I just put a new cover on earlier, just makes them hurt even more. I pull up my phone again to write this note; the alternative is to start sobbing again.