Today was Sunday (technically yesterday). I was running a fever again. Spent half the day sleeping, the rest mostly eating the rhubarb crumble leftovers.
I’ve been struggling with taking my meds every day. I don’t feel like any of them make any difference whatsoever. Well, that’s on the positive side; what they have for sure been doing is get me side effects: Air in my stomach that gives me stomachaches, incessant burps, heartburn, and makes me stomach push half-digested food back up towards my mouth; for someone who used to live with eating disorders for 20 years, this mess has been so triggering. Oh, and then there’s the NAC (I take so much stuff, I don’t even remember what any of the acronyms stand for) supplement that gives me the taste and breath of literal garbage for half a day. Ah and let’s not forget the iron tablets that give me iron taste for hours on top.
I set up this site today. For weeks I’d been thinking about it. At first I thought I’d put it on one of my existing blogs. But at this point, I don’t want it attached to my name yet. So, why put this online, when I could just keep it in this note on my phone? Because I can’t keep just carrying it alone, that’s all, and even if no one else ever reads it, I will know it’s out there, and that’s what matters.
I’m crying again.
I made a haircut appointment for Tuesday, with a hairdresser I last saw in 2021. For days, I’ve been contemplating canceling; my hair has gotten so thin and brittle, it feels not worth the expensive cut. I have another 10 hours to cancel for free. I have been googling wigs and hair supplements; maybe those will do something?
Another reason I’m not attaching my name to this just yet is that it’s fucking messy, all of it. And I already have to feign positivity, some hope or optimism, or at least pragmatism, because it’s hard on not just me but on everyone else too. But there are many days when I just don’t want to make it as hard and hopeless for others, so I don’t talk about it or do my best to pretend I’m coping at least somewhat. I can’t have my fucking journal be another place where I’m taking stuff. (Even if, let’s not kid ourselves, there’s stuff I won’t put here either.)
***there are too many days right now when I just want to end it all