I’m frustrated, annoyed, exhausted. After spending the last three and a half days bedridden, barely awake, not leaving the house, I met a friend for coffee this morning. Before we met, I worked for 45 minutes; I’ve barely done any work in the last… two years, I guess, but out of those, the last three especially. I try not to think about it too much because there’s not much I can do about it, but I felt okay to try it nonetheless. By the time my friend arrived, my energy levels were already below my knee caps, I just wanted to go home. We had coffee and a nice time, two hours later I drove almost home and spent another hour working a bit more from another cafe.
By the time I got home, not even five hours into this outing, I was a wreck. I guess it’s not even PEM anymore but just what I’ve seen called “rolling PEM”, which is just EM, when you’re so exhausted you’re not getting out of the viscous cycle of increased exertion through insufficient rest, or something like that, something I’m too tired to look up now.
“I wish I’d realize sooner that things that feel exhausting probably are exhausting, and that they’re not worth pushing through”, I told my partner, and they gave me a surprised pikachu face that I guess that statement kind of deserved: at the same time, I’m still trying to grok all this at an emotional level that I find really hard to get to, even more so with things that I want to do, that I want to not feel exhausting.
Tomorrow is the local pride event in my town. I wish I could go; I long for community and distraction, I have no idea how I’d walk the protest route, and I don’t think a cane would be much use. And I know that huge crowds, loud music, and being on my feet a lot are superstarters for a nit-great time afterwards.
I feel sad and frustrated tonight, the outlook feels very bleak. I sometimes feel like I’ve at least not been thinking about it as much, been applying a “one day at a time”-stance towards it, but who am I kidding, this fucking sucks and I have no idea how I’ll ever get over it, I want to scream into this text box but I’m too tired anyway.