ME/CFS, LIVE

I saw a doctor again last week, the same one who first gave me the (very preliminary, very “I would first like to hear from your psychotherapist that they don’t think this is psychological before I make it official”) cautious diagnosis in February. He runs a private practice that I don’t really have the funds… Continue reading December 16, 2025: Untitled

I lost two blisters of my muscle relaxer. It’s the only one that’s ever worked for me and it helps me sleep. I don’t know how it happened, but I’m sure if I make a 360° turn right now and point to a random spot in my apartment, I will inevitably point at one of… Continue reading July 31, 2025, 01:30: Drug seeking

These days, I find myself leaving a lot of posts in draft mode. I didn’t use to editorialize this site a lot, most of it was just writing and hitting the publish button and never looking back. (Cue Modsen Family’s Luke Dunphy’s “sometimes I like to toss a grenade and run away.”) I can’t do… Continue reading July 29, 2025, 23:07: Editorializing

My muscles hurt so badly i could scream; I don’t. I want to tear out my legs. Today was a shit day. I already felt so frustrated and helpless last night, I couldn’t snap out of it today. The lack of any kind of perspective, let alone hope, is really getting to me at the… Continue reading July 26, 2025, 23:52: I could scream but I don’t

I’m frustrated, annoyed, exhausted. After spending the last three and a half days bedridden, barely awake, not leaving the house, I met a friend for coffee this morning. Before we met, I worked for 45 minutes; I’ve barely done any work in the last… two years, I guess, but out of those, the last three… Continue reading July 25, 2025, 22:46: Reap what you… fuck that shit

My ability to entirely and intensely delude myself is staggering. In the end, it took me a good two weeks to fully realize that my significantly worsened physical state had been caused by the oxycodone. Already on the first day I didn’t take it anymore, I felt a lot better. What happened, you ask? —… Continue reading July 24, 23:31: My ability to delude myself

I think I’m indeed allergic to my latest medication experiment (oxycodone, for the RLS). Today, I increased the dosage as discussed with my doc; ended up nauseous all morning and ultimately throwing up, continued having intense itching all over. I’m still hoping it’s not that, because it seems to be helping. I hit my nails… Continue reading July 16, 2025, 00:54: Itching

I got excited earlier when I realized that I get to increase my RLS medication again tomorrow. My legs feel like they’re filled with led, I find it exhausting to walk and when I have to move around at home, I shuffle where I need to go. I went to the nail salon this morning… Continue reading July 14, 2025, 23:35: Excitement

One day I’ll remember that my symptoms shape-shift, and that whatever feels new and like something with an answer to it, is most likely a new shape of the same old bullshit. I’ve been having horrendous leg pain for the last weeks. It got so bad that towards the end the end of the day,… Continue reading July 12, 22:43: Shape-shifting (1)

The other day, I found out about a choir project that I’m curious about, they run large-scale choir rehearsals and performances on a project basis. I LOVE to sing, I used to take singing lessons and perform in various choirs and ensembles. (Three personal highlights: 3. I joined a senior choir in my home village… Continue reading July 02, 04:06: Sing It Out